My liver has taken an embarrassing pounding this last month or so and it sickens me that I've allowed myself to fall from grace so readily. Everything that was so simple and wonderful but two or three weeks ago has since slipped from my grasp because of my incredible ability to clinch misery from the jaws of happiness. I have come and gone faster than any angels can fly and all I've got to show for it is a muscular injury in my upper back and a shit-tip of a room that makes Beirut look like Miami.
Don't for a second believe that I'm blaming anybody but myself though - that would be ludicrous. I put so much pressure on myself in far too many aspects of my life and let it consume me so much that I couldn't hold it together. Conforming to one standard or another opened up a whole new world for me and then I violently slammed the door back in my own face by trying to maintain impossible standards for myself. Sadly, it's the one thing I needed the most that I managed to waste and though it breaks my heart already, perhaps it's for the benefit of others that I step away - not that I want to, but I don't think it's my choice any longer.
Or perhaps I'm wrong and this has just become yet another notch on my bedpost of whiny rants about how life isn't fair this and life isn't fair that. I found something I really wanted and then stupidly contrived to throw it away. Maybe there'll be forgiveness one day. Only time will tell.
Oh, what I'd give to go back two weeks and start over.
Familiar words to all of us, I'm sure.
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