Only time will tell.

My liver has taken an embarrassing pounding this last month or so and it sickens me that I've allowed myself to fall from grace so readily. Everything that was so simple and wonderful but two or three weeks ago has since slipped from my grasp because of my incredible ability to clinch misery from the jaws of happiness. I have come and gone faster than any angels can fly and all I've got to show for it is a muscular injury in my upper back and a shit-tip of a room that makes Beirut look like Miami.

Don't for a second believe that I'm blaming anybody but myself though - that would be ludicrous. I put so much pressure on myself in far too many aspects of my life and let it consume me so much that I couldn't hold it together. Conforming to one standard or another opened up a whole new world for me and then I violently slammed the door back in my own face by trying to maintain impossible standards for myself. Sadly, it's the one thing I needed  the most  that I managed to waste and though it breaks my heart already, perhaps it's for the benefit of others that I step away - not that I want to, but I don't think it's my choice any longer.

Or perhaps I'm wrong and this has just become yet another notch on my bedpost of whiny rants about how life isn't fair this and life isn't fair that. I found something I really wanted and then stupidly contrived to throw it away. Maybe there'll be forgiveness one day. Only time will tell.

Oh, what I'd give to go back two weeks and start over.

Familiar words to all of us, I'm sure.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realises he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

I glowed and shone so you wouldn't be gone.

In a moment of clarity I've come to the conclusion that we are all just candles flickering in the dark.

Some candles are bigger than others, some have better wax than others and some emanate a beautiful light.

Some candles smoulder a lot longer than others. Some burn brighter, some burn faster.

Some insist on displaying a small light for a long time and some more light for less time. Some revel in a warm combination of the two.

The type of candle you want to be is entirely up to you - we all have our personal preferences.

Whisper it proudly - there is no shame in the comfort of longevity.

But the brighter you burn, the more you see, the more you enjoy what's in the dark - more than someone happy to introvertly desocialise from it.

And so what if you burn out a little?

Embracing the darkness once in a while sure beats the mundane security of fading away into empty obscurity.

After all, when it all boils down to it, we are all just candles flickering in the dark.

¿Qué?

Things I don't get:

• People who don't have specific butter knives for spreading,
• Just how many people don't realise that gmail is the same as googlemail,
• The amount of people who criticise my love of peanut butter and cucumber sandwiches but have never tasted its deliciousness first,
• Why guitar plectrums disappear forever the moment you drop them on the floor,
•  And I just can't see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.

 These are life's unfathomable mysteries.